In a nutshell, the life that I’ve been awarded, the husband and children who are in my world everyday. Most days I am so blinded by the inconsequential things that I simply don’t see them as the miracles they are.
I usually want them out of the way….I ask myself, then what? What would I have if they did just-poof–be gone. Oh yea, then I really would have the right to wallow in self-pity. I’m pretty comfortable with that mode.
I’m very slowly reading a workbook on emotional eating and I’m at the chapter on shame. Not the good shame that hauls up our behavior and makes us better citizens, but the undeserved shame that came undeserved at me since I was a small child. The playground tauntings, the sidewalk mooing directed at me, the fruitless shopping trips that proved over and over that style and fashion were not for me. Oh yea, and the daily dose I received at home by all those who “loved me”.
such a pretty face if only…..
Do you need to eat that?
my God can those arms get any bigger?
shame, shame, shame on me.
I hate being pegged, being typical. But there it was in black and white. All my behaviors that haunt me. Perfectionism to PROVE I am worthy.
I was notified of an surprise audit coming my way and it’s killing me. If they find multiple mistakes I don’t know if I can handle it. I know my work is good, I know I kill myself to dot every I and cross every T. But mistakes happen and a lot of the work is out of my control. But I’ll have to answer for it all.
Guess I’ve got some work ahead of me (mental) as well as the physical.
Just for the moment though–the reason I’m half sane–let me brag just a second. This weekend all 3 kids got great news:
OD: accepted into Journalism school
OS: won nice scholarship at University music program
YD: accepted into National Honor Society
Peace to you, Proud Mama
March 31, 2009 at 7:39 pm |
One of my best friends is a study monitor and she is killing herself to dot every “i” and cross every “t” — so I know how you must feel. But you know, you are very detailed oriented with your job and I don’t worry too much that you’ve done anything major that’s wrong with your studies. You might have some minor things but you’re human.
About a week ago, a table leaf at the BF’s house fell and my first thought was, “I deserve that.” Where in the hell does that come from? Probably the same kind of shame you described.
That’s awesome news about your kids. I wsa going to say, “make sure OD has a plan in journalism b/c of the way the newspaper business is shaking out” but I know she’s talented and I know she (and her professors) are already thinking about Plan B, C, D etc. for journalism.
Yay for the others! Awesome! The apples don’t fall far from the tree.
April 2, 2009 at 9:06 pm |
What is the name of that book? I need it.
Most nurses are congenital “i” dotters. If we were not detail oriented we could make life threatening mistakes. I’ll bet your evaluation turns out great.
Brains are a good thing in a child. In a Mom also.
Been snowing for ten days. How about you? Husband’s mom in Sheridan said they are getting dumped on. Will it never end… Cheers