Grateful for…

In a nutshell, the life that I’ve been awarded, the husband and children who are in my world everyday. Most days I am so blinded by the inconsequential things that I simply don’t see them as the miracles they are.

I usually want them out of the way….I ask myself, then what? What would I have if they did just-poof–be gone.  Oh yea, then I really would have the right to wallow in self-pity.  I’m pretty comfortable with that mode.

I’m very slowly reading a workbook on emotional eating and I’m at the chapter on shame. Not the good shame that hauls up our behavior and makes us better citizens, but the undeserved shame that came undeserved at me since I was a small child.  The playground tauntings, the sidewalk mooing directed at me, the  fruitless shopping trips that proved over and over that style and fashion were not for me. Oh yea, and the daily dose I received at home by all those who “loved me”.

such a pretty face if only…..

Do you need to eat that?

my God can those arms get any bigger?

shame, shame, shame on me.

I hate being pegged, being typical.  But there it was in black and white. All my behaviors that haunt me.  Perfectionism to PROVE I am worthy.

I was notified of an surprise audit coming my way and it’s killing me.  If they find multiple mistakes I don’t know if I can handle it.  I know my work is good, I know I kill myself to dot every I and cross every T. But mistakes happen and a lot of the work is  out of my control. But I’ll have to answer for it all.

Guess I’ve got some work ahead of me (mental) as well as the physical.

Just for the moment though–the reason I’m half sane–let me brag just a second. This weekend all 3 kids got great news:

OD: accepted into Journalism school

OS: won nice scholarship at University music program

YD: accepted into National Honor Society

Peace to you, Proud Mama

Mental

Thank God my husband keeps our guns locked and I don’t think of them often or some days I might go postal.  I can’t even reread my last post because I know I’ll shake my head at my whining.

Cripes.

How can a sane, middle-aged gal go such extremes on a day-to-day basis. Is it all hormones talking?

I feel great today. After keeping my food diary for a few days I found I actually enjoy it. (go figure). I really do believe my meltdown was the combination of attending the surgical weight loss session and starting the food blog. My unconscious mind went “whoa, you are talking diet here and you promised!!!!”

I did promise myself years ago that I’d never “diet” again. But then I got into reading about intuitive eating and there was a section on using “healthy eating” as just another diet and I realized that that’s what I had been doing for the last 15 years.

A calorie is a calorie.  period. I can eat too many banana’s in a day and it’s still too many bananas. Yes, they have more nutrition than say a bar of chocolate, but in the end, eating when not physically hungry is overeating. (overeating=obesity). I am finding the food diary keeps me from grabbing a lot of handy food. Like peanuts. I love peanuts and grab a handful as the calorie count floats past my eyes, but I justify it by saying “it’s healthy calories”.  Not now when I have to write it in black ink.

Plus, right now if I satisfy my physical hunger everyday then I won’t lose weight. I’ll stay the same.  Unfortunately it doesn’t take much to maintain fat.  I have to keep in mind, it takes 1500 cals to gain a new pound of fat, but only 200 extra cals/day to maintain the fat I have.

and that’s not many calories.

I’m pretty sure my body doesn’t handle pure carbs very well. I’m going to talk to the bariatric doctor about using metformin and if she prescribes that.  I know one of the endocrinologists in town does.  I suppose it can be risky too with hypoglycemia, but I am in the habit of 6 small meals a day.  I keep an abundance of food in my office so I can eat about every 3 hours.  It does keep me from going rampaging.  (most days).

Some days nothing stops the rampaging.

Putting it out here helps. Thanks for all the supportive comments. Really appreciate each one of you.

Namaste

What AM I willing to do?

Posted today on “the next hundred pounds” blog

A lot of people want to lose weight, really really really want it.

Wanting something and being willing to do what it takes to attain it are two very different things.

Sometimes you don’t know what it will take; or you think you do, and then it turns out not to be right. And other times, what it takes is just too damned hard.

But mostly, I think that people don’t achieve what they set out for because it turns out that they are not willing to do what it takes.

Is this my problem in a nutshell? Do I delude myself every single day cursing fate, God, Genetics….when in truth, I am not willing to do what it takes.

I look in the mirror and cry. I rarely buy new clothes because trying them on is so depressing. The truth stares at me in the stark naked lighting. I say “I would do anything to lose weight”. But is that the truth?

I made an appointment yesterday to see a bariatric physician at the local weight loss center.  They start with a physical exam, lab work, medical history–something I’ve been needing for years.  I’ve been thinking of how to succinctly put the  facts of my weight struggles down on paper, including pictures, dates/weights. Then I decided I should do something I’ve never done–keep a food diary.  Some of you may be thinking, yeah, so? That’s what all the experts say to do at some point is to log your intake to get an exact calorie count and see where you are standing.

You have to understand that this is akin to dieting for me and I am struggling BIGTIME internally.  I simply can’t take in a REAL log, documented ice cream, hamburgers, carrot cake, etc.  Even if those things are only once in a while–because I can’t stand being judged.  Having the item circled in red and told that those are BAD for me.  No shit sherlock.  So, if I’m going to be honest, then I can’t eat it and I’m feeling like I am on a strict diet of only healthy foods and in controlled  portions.

I want the doctor to give me a gold star and say, “wow, you aren’t a typical fat person”.

But that wouldn’t be the real picture would it?  I’ve been hungry (really really hungry) this week. I don’t know if it’s following being so sick the last 2 weeks? (I did eat just fine, not like I’m wasting away). I really don’t understand where the hunger is coming from.  I mean belly growling from the time I get up until I go to bed. I rarely get hungry in the evening–I usually don’t eat much dinner, then never at night. I just lose all cravings. (normally).

Did this start when I attended the surgical weight loss seminar?  Does my body know it may be headed for a starvation period?  Hello down there, fat cells, I promise I’ll never starve you again–promise.

I don’t believe that I believe myself.

but see, here’s the problem as stated in hundred pounds post–what I am describing here-keeping a food diary, eating nutricious food, controlling portions…..that’s how one loses the weight, and I am revolting.  I DON’T WANT TO DO IT.

I WANT to be able to eat anything I want. in any amount I want. I don’t want to believe that a cup of peanuts has 800 cals.  I can eat a cup while watching wheel of fortune. That would be 1/2 of my calories for a day and it wouldn’t fill me up.

I can exercise–oh yeah, that’s the easy part for me.  but please, 300 cals for 45 mins of sweating? I can eat that much without a thought.

So I have to face some very hard truths about myself.  I feel superior because I don’t eat fast food, pop,  snickers, or potato chips.  Junk food rarely appeals to me, so I feel smug because I’m not like most “fat people”.  But I am a fat person, morbidly obese by the table standards. Yeah, I got lousy genes, but I’ve got an overeating problem too. I overeat “healthy food” turning it into an unhealthy habit.

I’m excited (apprehensive) to see the weight doc. I pray I do not feel judged because this has to work for me.  I will be brutally honest with her and let her know that I expect to be treated like any other patient with a health problem that isn’t HER FAULT.  If I feel like she is judging obesity as a character flaw then I am out of there.   I need help with my appetite. I need a warm place to fall. I need someone with real answers to be there for me.

I’m going to keep up the food diary to see if it gets easier.  Measuring everything is the hard part–I don’t want to eyeball portions. Under estimate and I cheat myself, over estimate and I cheat myself.

And I’m going to think really hard about what I’m willing, really willing to do, to just get some of this excess baggage out of my life for good.

Namaste

Lapband?

First to address Vickie’s comment: when I hear a story like that (which pierced my heart) I am ashamed of the medical profession I’ve been a part of for over 25 years.  I know the “old theory” of not letting the patient be any part of their medical care, not “concerning” patients (esp women) with actual diagnosis. Yes, I’ve nursed during the period where teminal diagnosis’ were withheld due to “causing undo stress”.  All that ever did was allow the doctor to be non-confronting and the patient silently worrying about what might- or might not be happening. In the meantime everyone was tiptoeing around issues instead of openly talking about end of life reality.  Imagine not holding, saying goodbye or even knowing the sex of a child you loved for almost 9 months? How heartbreaking.

So, the surgical weight loss seminar: I was surprised at the number of people in the room.  I know they hold the seminars twice a month. The lapband is a new offering in Billings this year and I have the feeling that most people came for that info (could be wrong though).  Probably 25 people were there and ALL fell into the obese catagory (several Mobidly).  Which surprised me a little, usually when I attend any weightloss clinics I look at half the people and think “why are you here?” Anyone with under 40 pounds to lose shouldn’t even be considering surgery.

First the statisics. Bypass $29,000; Lapband $20,000 (this is of course uncomplicated).  They gave a list of what most insurances cover and I don’t know about mine. I’m not sure which one it’ll be as it’s new on April 1st.  Even if it does cover, we have a $500 deduct/10 % copay. so that means $2500-$3000 (IF it’s covered). Most insurances had caveats of BMI of 40% or 35% with co-mobidities (diabetes, HTN)

I am completely ruling out bypass. It’s irreversible. Simple for me–not a chance. So I’m not going to talk about it.

Lapband though? Yea, it’s a possibility.  First of all, it’s done by arthroscopy so no huge incision, and most importantly it’s reversible.  The band can be deflated if the side effects are too much.  Time off work is pretty minimal. Mostly it isn’t due to the procedure, but learning how to eat.  The eating regime is pretty strict. A post-lapband woman talked to us. She had a very positive experience and lost 70 pounds.  She said the band “talks” to you and if you have one sip too much or ONE bite too much, you’ll know.  If you don’t chew the food well enough, you’ll know it.  So she chose to take a week off work to recover and learn to eat.

Recently she is having issues with band slippage.  She had been vomiting due to a viral illness and she “knew something was wrong” with the band (she didn’t say if it was pain or prolonged vomiting), so she had it checked and her stomach had pushed over the band where it isn’t supposed to be (I didn’t really understand). Anyway, she has to have it adjusted. I don’t know if this entails another surgery.

One interesting thing, one guy stated he had the surgery in Great Falls (240 miles north, closest available last year), and could he continue his follow-up in Billings?  The surgeon said “no”. Basically, they aren’t going to take on someone else’s work and the potential for lawsuits. So now this guy is stuck driving 240 miles (one way) for his care.  and the band takes a lot of  f/u to adjust the tightness to get desired results. Note to self, make sure plan to live in same area for years.

It was overwhelming how many people in the room spoke up and said they’d had the bypass surgery (and obviously not working for them).  Both procedures somehow block  grehlin production (grehlin stimulates the brain to eat).  So along with smaller stomachs, people simply don’t have the desire to eat–for about 18 months.  Then grehlin stimulus starts in again, so that’s why you see so many people put weight back on.  (think Al Roker, Carly Wilson). I’ve heard of people over and over who’ve regained the weight.  That’s also why the surgery isn’t a miracle–it still has to be paired with diet/exercise.  Both are more important than ever.

The lapband has been in existence since around 2003-04.  That isn’t very long in medical terms for long-term side effect profile. That worries me.  The surgery requires a special regime of vitamin and protein supplements. (altho not as limiting as bypass). Normal food, eating is done. I am saddened by that. Not overeating–but just eating with friends & family.  I’ve always hated when I’ve had to say “oh, can’t eat that” (refering to a diet). As if a bite of a dish would put me in my grave.  It’s important to my kids to get together over a nice dinner or a bowl of ice cream in the evening.  It’s comfort, tradition, family.  Don’t know I’m ready to give that up.

Which tells me at this point the lapband isn’t where I want to go. .. Yet.  I am going to make an appointment to see the bariatric physician for their medical weight loss program. I’ve got to look into the factors that cause emotional eating and replacing that response with something else.  They also use phentermine for appetite control.  If  don’t overcome that issue then surgery won’t be a long term answer either.  Just another failed diet.  An expensive failed diet.  I have been trying it all on my own for 20 years and it isn’t working, so I am going to give the medical profession on3 more shot.  If this doesn’t work, then I’ll look into saving for the lapband–but if, and only if, my insurance will cover it.  I will not indebt my family over $20,000 just because I can’t say no to an oreo. (yes, I know it’s more than that-but sometimes it’s not, sometimes it’s just the oreo).

No Title today

Haven’t been ignoring my blog (well, yes I have) just easier to read everybody else and make comments on THEIR life.

I just finished reading “Amazing Adventures of DietGirl”. Excellent, excellent book. Loved the witty writing, the always present progress–even when weight loss stalled for her, she was busy learning something or sticking with exercise and allowing her body to catch up with her new weight.

I am so envious of her relationship with her sister.  My sisters have been strangers to me for 20 years. No repair is possible, believe me I’ve tried and at this point I live by “…. and God grant me the wisdom to know the difference”

As it takes two to argue, it also takes two to forgive & forget.

But, back to DietGirl, she gives me hope (guarded, but hope). I haven’t looked at any type of program for weight loss for 20 years.  I am jaded as to the money grubbing, fat-sucking leaches out there and trust NO ONE.  I think the worst are the so-called bariatric physicians. Most of them are just losers who couldn’t handle Internal Medicine as a career and now prey on easy emotional targets.

So what did I do yesterday?  I called the local weight loss clinic to schedule an appointment.  I’m going to start by attending the free seminar on surgical options.  I know for 100% certain that bypass is out for me. Not a chance. I’ll die fat first.  But the lapband I’ll look closer.  Actually what I really want is to get a feel for the clinic and see how they treat obesity.  If I see one single sign that says “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels” or see one mug with a pink pig on it, I’ll walk out the door and scratch that from my list.

oh the patronizing, slimy bias.  If a CLINIC that deals with the real issues can’t even understand, then what hope is there?

Do I sound skeptical and scared shitless?  Yes, I am.  I guess my former experiences have all been so negative and ultimately painfull that I can’t see anything good coming out of this.  One thing I will do though, I will let them know how I feel as I walk out the door.  I will make them understand that under this cheery facade is a real woman with deep emotions and more commitment to a cause than anyone else I’ve ever known and that I can see through bullshit very clearly.

Maybe I’ll have good news to report.  I’ll let you know. Tomorrow night 6:00.

Q & A

Love your comments:

First can my son by groceries?  He helps out in a pinch when we are out of milk or basic supplies, in fact I love it when I ask him to get a few things because it’s a huge eye opener for the kids as to the real cost of things.  “Mom, do you realize that the block of cheddar is $20″. Oh yes, I do.

But, remember we live out of town and the kids drive 2 miles to school and home again.  He does come in for music practice on occasion, but it’s usually late and I just want him to get home.  I really don’t mind doing the shopping.  It’s one chore I can do for the family.  I have found it helps the tedium if I put in my earbuds and tool around the store listening to itunes.  Even standing in line, I am calmer.  Also, I’ve started taking in boxes with me.  I love how easy they are to carry and fill instead of dealing with tons of plastic sacks.  All the stuff falls out of those sacks unless you tie the ends together and then they are no good because you have to cut them open.  Aaargh.

I just get so frustrated by the clerks responses though to using the boxes.  They don’t get it.  and they don’t like them.  It’s out of their norm.  It doesn’t matter if I put the box on the belt in front of my purchase.  They will move the box aside and start throwing stuff into bags.  I have to stop unloading and ask them to USE the box.  Geesh.

I do eat most of my meals at work and I have adjusted my workspace for that.  Our breakroom is outfitted with full fridge, sink, dishwasher, and micro.  I have brought in an electric burner, a small pot, an 8-inch frying pan, measuring cups and a grinder.

I keep on stock–skim milk, olive oil, flaxseed, Kashi cereal, and oatmeal.  I bring various things for lunch; soups, raw veggies, spinach, meat, cheese, whole wheat bread,  couscous, chickpeas etc.  For snacks I keep my drawer stocked with nuts, protein drinks, muti-grain crackers, fruit.

oh, and tea.  I’ve lately decided to not buy any more Diet Pepsi. I’ve been reading about the effect of sweeteners on the brain.  Supposidly the brain thinks it’s getting fuel (sugar), and when it doesn’t, it vamps up the appetite to get the fuel it was cheated out of.   Now I don’t drink a ton of DP, maybe 2x week in the afternoon as a refresher, but I know that afternoons are my biggest issue of the entire day.  I get horrible cravings and while I rarely eat “junk”, I do overeat.  A handful of nuts can lead to a cup–that’s 800 cals!  and I don’t feel full.

So, I have a new plan. I’m going to keep lemon and honey stocked and make a cup of super satisfying tea in the afternoon. The tiny sweetness of just a drop of honey is all it takes.  Normally I take tea without anything added, but the ritual of honey/lemon is a way to acknowledge myself and “cuddle” myself.

4-5 times/month drug reps buy lunch for the office.  Usually we get to order off a menu, which is great, I can order what I like and not have huge leftovers.  I always look for fish dishes first of all. Johnny Carino’s has an amazing salmon salad with capers and sundried tomatoes–it’s fab.  Some places are truly a nightmare–all fried foods or gross “salads” with iceburg lettuce and a tomato wedge.  I never order dessert–just too tempting.

The worst for me is when they just bring in trays of food, like a BBQ from Famous Daves.  Then there is always a ton of leftovers and that is my absolute #1 weakness. Leftover good food and it’s FREE and I didn’t have to COOK it.  I can stuff myself stupid the rest of the day.  luckily that doesn’t happen too often.

At home everyone kind of fends for themselves during the week.  Everyone makes their own lunches and dinner and it’ll be simple. Omelets, grilled cheese, pasta/tomato sauce.  I do try to make an excellent meal on Sunday and I always make huge amounts so there’ll be leftovers. Vats of cheesy mashed potatoes.  I’ll bake 3-4 pot roasts to slice for lunches.  Chicken I usually brine and cook 10 pounds at a time.

I rarely use processed anything. I make my own marinara sauce, salad dressing etc.  I buy whole roasts/hams/chicken breasts to slice for lunch meats.  I make cakes, cookies,pies, sweet breads from scratch. (altho rarely anymore as they are such a trigger for me)   I make whole wheat bread whenever I find the energy.

I don’t trust our prepared food anymore.  I don’t want my family eating additives/preservatives.  I don’t trust “food” that can be left out and can last for weeks (think twinkies/velveeta).  Also, I don’t trust my family shopping because they will buy junk when they think I won’t notice. But I figure the 90/10 rule is a good rule.  Eat healthy 90% of the time, the other 10% won’t kill you (hopefully).

Thanks for asking! Thanks for caring!

Peace.

January 15, 2008–January 15, 2009

Last year on this date I stood on the scale and had a meltdown. I weighed exactly the same as the year before. Not a good thing. During 2007, I thought I had really, really tried–lose 5 gain 2, lose 10, gain 15 yada, yada.  I know at one point I was down 20 pounds and it felt great to be able to snap my leather vest.

I fell, fell, fell.  I’ve never had a long depression and it scared the shit out of me.  Gave me an understanding of the words “intolerable pain”, and I feel like I now understand how and why a person is able to commit suicide. And no, I no longer believe it to be a mortal sin as no loving God would expect anyone to continue to live with that kind of pain.

My family had no idea because I am and always have been very good at hiding the real dark inside of me.  Had it not lifted and had I not been able to continue living, they would have been in complete shock and the rest of their lives ruined as I know a lot of suicide families are after the intentional death of a family member.

So, after gaining another 6 pounds it did lift and I got serious about exercising. I found a gym whose location was uber convenient and I could work into my life on a daily basis. I had metabolic exercising testing done to show me exactly how many cals I was burning and the fat/carb ratio. Plus it gave me a 12 week workout plan, which I am proud to say I followed pretty well. (OK, it took 20 weeks–I’m not fanatical).

End result: I am down 32 pounds from highest weight in 2008  (298lbs in March)

Last year’s scale January 15th–292, this year’s scale 266.6.

My personal goal isn’t thin by any means.  As I look back at my life, I was most comfortable at between 230-240. Size 16-18.  Except for a one-time fasting state, I’ve never been below that.  Which means I’m looking at around 30 pounds to go.

I think I can do it.  I’m going to attend a lapband seminar on the 29th, just to keep the option open and maybe scare me into holding off on the cookies.  But I feel for the first time like I’ve got somewhat of a handle on the emotional eating issues.  When I’m not hungry, but I’m craving donuts or the office cookies are calling me, I stop and say “what is it you really need?” and I have to say that LOUD to drown out the craving.  I had never noticed how loud that voice is.  It stung me with the realization that that was my voice begging me to please pay attention to me–feed me, love me, care for me.

If my child was crying that loud I would pull them close to me and cuddle. Tight.

I have to figure out how to cuddle myself.  Life right now is 100 mph in the fast lane and not a lot can change.  My son is a very needy person and takes a lot of my time and mental space.  He leaves for college next fall, and I know it will leave breathing room for me.  He’s just simply going to have to figure things out for himself.

Here’s my day. Up at 5:00 out the door at 5:30 with gym bag. 1/2 hr commute, work out 1/ hour, shower, get to work by 8:00, see patients and do my job, usually leave by 5-5:30, occasionally 6:00.  2-3 nights/week do grocery shopping  so get home by 6:30.  Evenings=chat with kids, help with projects/homework, clean up kitchen/set coffee maker, pack gym bag and lunch for next day. Attend whatever concert/school event is mandatory.  Cook something if I have time, read newspaper, feed dog. Watch favorite shows, TBL, Office and American idol.  Fall in bed with husband around 9:30. (hopefully)

If anybody can see anyway this schedule can be cleared, I’d love to hear it.  Yes, my husband does his share and my kids help–they usually make their own dinners on weekdays.

Working out in the mornings is my only salvation. Yes, I could get an extra hour of sleep but I know I’d feel more miserable–it’s my antidepressant and my ME-time. The rare day I miss I feel like something is not right.  I think that’s why the holidays were not enjoyable for me this year.  Too many obligations and something had to give, so on my off work days I didn’t work out.  Sub-zero weather didn’t allow for walks either.  After 4-5 days of no exercise, I was pretty nutty.

So, January 15, 2009. Things are looking so much better.  back to daily routine and it’s working for me.  Wish the weight would just “melt away” like I always read in the magazines, but it’s not. It’s a daily, sometimes hourly struggle.

I’ve found so many bloggers with same struggles and that helps tremendously. I thank you all.

Peace, Annimal

options

I am adamantly opposed to gastric bypass surgery so it hasn’ t even been on the table as a potential option.  I do, however, have an interest in the lapband procedure.  Of course I do understand that it involves a surgical intervention and there is always a risk inherent with elective surgery, but is it more of a risk than continuing to be obese into my 50s?  With the risk of diabetes and heart disease looming?  Not to mention my joints getting more painful every day.

It hasn’t been an option for me because the closest hospital to me offering it has been 230 miles away.  It’s a narrow windy 2 lane road up to Great Falls and not only the surgery would be done there but any follow-up or band tightening.  So, I haven’t put too much thought into it.

Last week, I got a flyer in the mail that the procedure is going to be done at a local hospital where I work.  I have a feeling they will be booked solid.  I have no idea why it hasn’t been done here sooner (and that bothers me).  Of course I don’t want to be the surgeon’s first case! 

I know my husband will be opposed to the idea. I won’t let him know until I’ve completely decided.  They are offering educational classes on the lapband and other options for weight loss (nutritional support, etc.) but I know that  I’ve tried every other route out there and nothing works. 

I have had success this fall.  I feel positive that I’m in a better mindset about overeating than ever before.  I’m relieved to get back into a “normal” routine starting monday.  My work is a nightmare over the holidays with it  being difficult to get my patients scheduled, plus the break room is ladened with homemade goodies dropped off by grateful patients.  Personally, I didn’t do even a quarter of the baking I normally would.  My kids didn’t complain.  They enjoyed what I did make for them, but really and truly, my kids don’t need all that junk either. 

I did take some advice from one of my blogging friends (Anne, vickie, Lyn? sorry!) and I weighed myself on the monday between Christmas and New Years.  Up 5 pounds. Not too bad considering. Plus, I know that 5 pounds will come off quickly after resuming good eating habits.  After that 5 comes off, I think my plan is something like this–My goal is to have another 20 pounds gone by my birthday, April 14.  If I do, I am treating myself to a new tattoo on my right forearm (a fleur de lis).  If I don’t reach that goal, I am going to attend the lapband classes and start looking into the procedure the next fall.  This is my last shot.  I’ll know once and for all that I just can’t do it by myself. 

I will not live the rest of my life obese.  I will not be unhappy for what ever remains of my time on earth.  I turn 50 in April.  My youth is behind me (altho it sure doesn’t feel like it). I feel tired and my joints hurt.  I can’t wear the funky fun clothes I would like to wear.  Summer is a nightmare as I am always so hot and sweaty. I overfill every chair I sit in.  My back fat is bigger than my boobs. When I look into a mirror sideways, all I see are lumps.

Yes, I should be more grateful for the wonderful things in my life and I do try to practice gratitude, but all it takes is one candid picture, one sideways glance into a glass storefront, one stuffed movie/airplane seat, one stranger “eyeing” my plate at a buffet and the old feelings of being fat/worthless/disgusting just wash over me and the mental chastising begins. 

What would life be like 50 pounds thinner?   Would being treated nicer by society in general allow me to treat myself nicer?  Would my anger dissipate?  Would I be a nicer person and not so cynical? My body doesn’t want to be 50 pounds lighter–oh no, it wants every pound.  It will fight me every step of the way and jump on every chance to hoard those pounds.

2009–we’ll see.  I know I don’t want to cut/paste this blog in January 2010.  Let this be the last year I am writing this. Next January I want to be writing about the new spring fashions that I can’t wait to get my hands on.

Peace.

Much better, thank you

Christmas has come and gone and I’ve survived another year.  Actually, better than survived.  Hubby being home recovering from surgery has been a huge help. He did almost all the wrapping.  I discovered the internet for most of my shopping and we made it without a tree. 

Christmas Eve turned out quite nice.  We attended the Children’s christmas Mass.  Haven’t been to that for years.  Not since the kids got too old to participate.  Each of them took turns being angels, sheep, wisemen, and readers.  It’s a wonderful Mass, but it is so crowded and usually my hubby is working still at 3:30, so we have been attending the 9:30 instead.  Unfortunately, the priest that says Mass has a personality we simply can not tolerate.  Think massive nerd with a huge inferiority complex, who tries to cover it up by exaulting his “successes” at every chance.  Under the guise of course, of doing God’s work oh, and reminding us frequently that 2nd best is just fine and not to expect more out of life.  We always leave church just seething.  I really thought we were going to skip it this year (gasp!) when our oldest daughter suggested the 3:30 and I really couldn’t come up with a valid reason to say no.  My son contacted the music director and got copies of the music and told her he’d be available to play his oboe, so we were committed.

And even though the usual rude, chatty cathy sat behind me, I enjoyed the Mass and it was a good thing.  Christmas Eve ensued as normal at my in-laws house with ham dinner and presents.  I brought red velvet cake and green salad.  My husband’s nephew was there with his wife and daughters, 5 y/o & 1 y/o.  They are delightful children, well mannered and fun.  They had matching dresses on–so adorable–but itchy. The one year old had her dress off halfway through the night and delighted in being naked.  She was quite intertaining. other guests were 2 of my hubby’s favorite sisters and their husbands so overall it was a delightful evening.

I was prepared to gush over my gift no-matter-what.  My hubby had spilled the beans that my MIL had drawn my name and he suggested that I wanted a new quilt for our bed.  I really trully wished he hadn’t of said that because he knows how his parents shop.  If it doesn’t come from the thrift store, then it’s the dollar store.  They are very much of the depression era (82 y/o) and nothing is “cheap” to them, it’s thrifty and good enough.

Yup, well, needless to say, I’ll be shopping for a quilt.  I received a- quilt? it’s thin as a sheet, stiff as a board and the package calls it a “great value” brand with a tag of $19.99.  Absolutely, totally useless. I’d have rather had the $20 to put toward a nice quilt that I could actually use. 

I most certainly did NOT let on that I was disappointed.  Quite frankly it was exactly what I expected so I was able to genuinly say “thank you, this is perfect.  I will put it on my bed tonight.” and I did.  Over the top of my old quilt.  MIL didn’t buy this quilt out of meanness, quite the opposite.  She bought what she was told I could use and she did it in her usual thrifty way.  My hubby, totally clueless, meant no harm either.

Christmas morning. My kids were pretty happy with their gifts.  I decided that the “economy” wasn’t  going to keep me from spoiling the kids in my usual mannor, so I bought them many nice things.  They are always grateful for their gifts and are appreciative so it’s fun to give them things I know will make them happy.  The “batman” ring went over especially great with my 15 y/o. She’s hard to buy for as she’s not into clothes or foo-fah, but she is nuts about batman.  The ring was horribly overpriced, but she hasn’t taken it off–score.

I had quite the surprises from my hubby as well.  We had kind of gotten over the habit of giving each other gifts, prefering to spend what we had on the kids.  But, this year I had several lovely gifts to open.  I was shocked that he actually got me the strand of freshwater pink pearls from the Smithsonian catalog.  I had showed him the pearls, but the catalog laid around the house for awhile then disappeared.  I also got a turkish cotton bathrobe and vikings socks.  My kids came up with some nice things too.  Overall a pretty good haul.

My son had sold candles for a fund raiser at school.  When he got the order, 3 of the jars were broken, so he had called for replacements.  As these were expensive candles, I suggested we try to melt them down and repour the wax.  So that’s what we did for 6 hours today.  The house smells great.  I haven’t made candles for years.

Good day for it though.  The weather sucks bad. Getting house bound.  I just am not one to go out when there are travel advisories.  I will not risk an accident to get 1/2 priced ornaments that I really don’t need.  For the last 2 weeks the temps have been below zero.  We got 6 inches of snow on Christmas and now it’s warmer (25 degrees) but very windy so blowing and drifting.  Our road doesn’t get plowed, so it’s 4-wheel drive only.  I haven’t exercised for 3 days and my body (and mind) doesn’t like it.  I’m going to have to do something tomorrow, even if it’s just a walk to the corner.  I used to have cross-country ski’s but haven’t been in good enough shape for that for YEARS!

I do feel like I’ve got control of the holiday overeating fest.  I really WANT to reduce my calories again. I’m looking forward to working on the next 10 pounds.  I have a lot of confidence that I’m on the right road mentally about portion control and that “nothing tastes as good as being thin feels”.

It might happen this year. It might just happen.  I have a goal for my 50 birthday in April.  I will share that later. 

All in all, I would say it’s been a Merry Christmas.  I don’t have the usual joy that overwhelms my heart, but that’s OK.  When it comes back to me, it’ll be all the sweeter.  The guard that is up can be melted, I know how, yes, I am sure I know how.

Peace to all………

Christmas 2008

This post is tough for me. I don’t want to be all negative nelly here, but the pollyanna crap hasn’t done me much good either.  I’m in a turmoil, have been most of the year, and something has to change. I need the magic bullet, the cushion of trust, faith and hope.  I fear I’ve lost all three.

I will turn 50 next April.  When I think of someone Fifty, I think of someone who should have some things figured out.  A self-confidence, an awareness of their place in this world.  Silly me.  I had more confidence and drive in my 20s.  Or was it just fear?  Now, I am tired of the fear.  I’ve always had a sense of being alone and having to make my own situation in this life.  As a teenager whenever the cheek-pinching relatives would remark about marraige and children, I just always said, oh I’ll never be married & I don’t want children.  I always assumed that a freak of nature like me would never find a man who would actually confess to love, let alone want me to bear his children, so it was just easier to pretend that those where things I didn’ t want.

Fast forward to 22 years of marriage. Mostly happy, I believe him when he tells me he loves me (maybe) and we have a stable home and truly incredible kids who are smart, funny, into books, sewing and family nights at home.  They don’t date, do drugs/alcohol.  My college girl is home from winter break working in the office with me and knitting her brother a scarf.  Our home is paid for.  My husband and I always put any extra money, tax refunds, birthday money, etc. into the principle on our home, so after 18 years it is ours.  We have no credit debt, cars are paid for free and clear.  We’ve been able to write a check for the fist 2 years of daughter’s college.  Being a nurse is pretty much job security, I can’t do nights/weekends/holidays (well, don’t WANT to), but if I had to I would.  My current position is pretty secure.   Although I don’t know that anything can attach that word to it anymore.

So, WTF is wrong with me?? …..I don’t know.  Really, truly, don’t know.

Part of it is the recession. Has it affected me personally?  Only in very small, but meaningful ways.  Friends that I’ve relied on are pulling into their shells–a yearly girl’s get-together that I’ve cherished attending, not happening this year (can’t afford it mentally or financially), a local humor publication going out of print (no time and losing advertisers), a favorite blogger taking a hiatus.

All of these things have been delightful distractions from the daily grind and help refill my cup.

I don’t know what refills my cup anymore.

I’ve worked very, very hard and have lost 30 pounds this year.  I feel so good about that.  I exercise almost everyday. I have missed very few days even over the holidays and I am proud of that.  Exercise isn’t a chore for me, it’s part of my day. It’s the first thing I put in my daily planner and I’ve created a lifestyle that works around it.  Sure there have been sacrifices for that hour and 1/2.  I don’t have a clean house.  I don’t get the “mothering” done I’d like to.  We don’t even have a stinking Christmas tree up and I don’t think I want one this year.

I’m hoping my kids forgive me and understand some day that without this committment and selfishness that I wouldn’t be around long enough to spoil their children.  Diabetes and heart disease run rampant in my parents.  Even more than dieing young, I don’t want to be an invalid in my sixties either with strokes, heart disease, etc.

Even more than that though, I want to LIVE this one life I have been given.  I want to wear nice clothes and look nice in them. I want to be treated with kindness, not scorn in public.  Pretty girls get a lot of perks and I want some perks.

I’ve got to lose the anger that’s been building ever since I figured out that my body is NOT MY FAULT.  As a teenager I apologized for being.  I stopped apologizing and started bullying my way through life to get what I wanted.  Now I don’t want to be a bully, nor the “life of the party”, the jolly fat one who livens up all gatherings (in her own mind).

I want someone to care about my opinion, to take the time to solicit conversation, instead of me playing the wallflower as the pretty dancers woo all those around them.

For the fist time in my life I do feel as though I am tackling the heart of my eating disorder.  Food doesn’t hold the appeal it once did.  Oh, I still frequently overeat, but it’s getting to be less and less.  I am listening more to the innate hunger and nourishing what needs nourishing.  My second helpings are fewer and fewer.

I am frustrated with the office goodies that continue to pile up in the breakroom.  Most of it I can deny, but I learned bigtime last year the backlash if I deny my self everything.  My oh-so-smug self patted my back at how immune I was to that big platter of fudge/caramels/cookies.  then went on an unconscious feeding frenzy of “healthy food” causing an almost 20 pound weight gain, so the scale smacked me in the face on January 15, 2008.  I wanted to die.  Not again.  Not forever. Please God. Just put me out of my misery.

I got on the scale this morning–big breath–up about 2 pounds.  I can live with that.  considering all the crap I’ve been eating.  It’s still 30 pounds down from January 15.

Maybe the crux of my distress is that I want this holiday over quickly-quickly, before I abandon my fortress and the food remounts its march into my mouth.  Into my body.

I don’t know if I can take another January 15th assault.  My defenses are getting weaker, and I really, truly fear for my sanity.  I fear for me.